Have you ever felt homesick, lonely in a way not because of where you are but because of what you miss, a gnawing knot in your
stomach, and an old song circulating in your brain? I felt that way all day today. It's funny and out of place, there is no good reason
for me to be feeling this way today of all days but I did. I woke up thinking to myself: "what is this?" and then for a little while
I was afraid my depression was coming back but then it settled into this grayish sort of mood, very appropriate to the weather
outside and to the season. And I started thinking about the things people miss, and what I miss in my life.
I am the sort of person who never misses a place, and very rarely misses people. I stay so busy in my life and am
always, ALWAYS surrounded by people. I am not bragging, I am not surrounded by people because I'm cool. I am surrounded by
people because that is what I do for a living - I teach little kids, and I am always at somebody's home with a lot of commotion
going on, or I am in my own house and there is A LOT of commotion going on there most of the time. Or I am in my car, between
students and I try to get rid of the commotion in my own head by playing music that I like. Or I listen to the road. In any case,
it's never really quiet. So I am in the midst of people pretty much all the time, except for when I am up at an ungodly hour like
now, getting my grayness out and my melancholy away. So I don't really have time to miss people. Then again, I in a way miss
them all the time. I will often think of people who I am no longer in touch with, and sometimes I will miss them so badly that
it stops me in my tracks. Once I remember I was listening to Michaela's aria and I thought of my friend Kristin who used to
sing it so beautifully. I almost started bawling right there and then, it made me miss her so bad and miss the great times we
had together making music down in nowhereland.
People come and go, that's the way of things. I have come to realize that forgetting is such an essential part of letting
go that people forget that they forget. It has to be this way, at least for me, or I wouldn't make it. So I think I forget as a defense
mechanism, a way of coping with a loss of something really precious.. Which is good. Because it's getting harder to say goodbye to people. When my friend
Larisa was leaving for PA, and I took her to the airport, it took me that whole day to stop crying and I still miss her a lot
on most days. I still haven't gotten over that, but I will. I will forget as much as I don't want to. Because it is not meant for
us mortals to hold onto anything. I will forget and move on. And realizing it is a complete stupidity and waste of time because
all I can do is watch my life go on and all memories fade into oblivion. Why?
Home. One of the things I have never missed, I don't think. It is hard to explain. It's not that I haven't had home, my parents
were wonderful people who raised me in a loving and safe environment. But when I came to USA I didn't miss it. I missed them
but didn't miss my home. Then I went to Arkansas and when I left it I didn't miss it. There was no reason to turn back, nothing
left to go back to. And now that we are moving again, I wonder if I'll miss this place. I know I will miss the kids here in the
neighbourhood, especially Neve and Melissa, who have been so wonderful to my Arianna. But I won't miss this place.
So my great conclusion of this evening's pointless brain journey is that home is not a place. It has never been a place for me,
and maybe that's why I have always wondered why I've never missed any place I've left. Home is people. How terribly scary. Because
when you don't let people in your life, then you have no home no matter where you go. And being afraid of letting people in
means that you deprive yourself of a home. Or you leave your home behind knowing it's the only home you'll ever have,
and you have to make peace with the fact that you will never be home again.
Well that's enough gloom for one evening. In hopes of a better tomorrow, peace and love as always.
:)